The anger book is helping, although the important thing is that I decided that I wanted to stop being an angry person. It's early days but there is a noticeable improvement. I feel I have an element of choice about how I feel (and behave). When I stopped smoking the single biggest factor in how easy I found it was that I properly wanted to.
I aced giving up smoking thanks to Allen Carr and my own free will.
I ask myself the following questions:
Do I want to be in a relationship with Virgil?
Do I believe that he loves me?
Do I think he is committed to trying to make our relationship work?
Do I want him to be happy?
Do I want him to be with me through choice?
That's five yes's.
Do I want to be more like the person I was before we met?
Another yes - I will explain this later.
So what I have been doing is this:
I notice that when I think about Virgil going on dates, feeling excited about other people and fucking or otherwise being emotionally close with other lovers a kind of mental revolt happens. I feel my cerebral cortex buck and twist. The thought must either be banished or I feel sad, jealous, possessive and other unpleasant emotions.
What if I can change that? Sitting here right now, I create a mental exercise for myself. I imagine me, basking in sunshine like a buddha. I am contented and fulfilled. I am surrounded by things that make me happy.
When I try to think what these might be, though, I keep thinking about Virgil. At the moment he is the only thing that makes me happy. What would make me happy if I had it? Hmm... professional success! Also, caring, interesting friends, a wonderful lover, a strict, expert dom to chastise and please me, a GARDEN...
When I try, I can do it. Maybe it's just enough to imagine being really happy and fulfilled. Then, when I have filled myself up with this, I am going to go back to those painful thoughts and just fucking well think them. I will try to pour all the happy feelings into those thoughts. In the same way that I've stopped frowning and glaring, I'm going to tell my cerebral cortex to lie flat and be quiet.
Maybe I could write an affirmation or two and say them ten times a day until they stop hurting and become if not pleasant then at least neutral. Affirmations can't contain negatives. I hum and haw, delete a few attempts. I come up with:
Our relationship will blossom and be stronger and better for seeing other people.
Don't laugh at me. I am open to suggestion but I am not suggestible. There have been too many tantrums and too much avoidance. I need to accept the idea of having an open relationship and get on with it.