Sex is like a conversation. At the moment we are not communicating well. The irony is that we are talking more about sex than ever. This is at my behest. I want us to resolve our sexual issues and I think that talking them through is the way to go. Unfortunately either Virgil is oversensitive to perceived criticism or I am just really terrible at not sounding negative and hurtful.
This morning he wanted to make love. When I got up to make coffee he protested and made me promise to come back to bed. He waggled his eyebrows and flashed his eyes and a toothsome smile my way. I stowed my reservations and got on board.
It's not easy to lose myself in the experience. There are lots of painful thoughts rattling around. I bat aside thoughts of Sarah and my Dad. I am actually surprised at how quickly I get turned on when he strokes me. I ask him if I am supposed to come and he says to hold on which is the answer I want.
There is a moment of rightness. Then he starts to scratch my back and belly. He asks me if this is what I want and I say, honestly, that I don't mind. I ask if he wants to give me some pain to deal with. He nods but also shrugs.
I don't need bells and whistles in d/s but I do like to have things verbalised. That way I know what I'm doing. It's the thought of what I am doing that excites me as much as anything. Virgil turns me onto my stomach and starts to spank me and, actually, it feels good, but we can't sustain it. I don't think either of us feel safe and instead of going deeper we falter.
We are naked and holding each other but I am no longer sure what is going on. We kiss and touch. We slow down. We almost stop.
Why are you stopping? he asks. Because you stopped, I say. No I haven't, he replies. He smiles and although I don't believe him we continue.
Can I go down on you? I hesitate and then say, Yes, for a minute.
What do you mean? he asks.
I say, Would 'If it pleases you' be a better answer?
Yes it would, he says, and goes down.
I think: Goddamn you Virgil, I don't want to come from this. I decide not to have an orgasm. He puts two fingers in the entrance to my cunt and laps at my clitoris in expert fashion. I hold on to the bed post and look away. I concentrate hard and increasingly harder on not coming. After some time it is really taking all my attention. He notices and asks if something is wrong because I appear to be staring hard at the wardrobe. I say, No, I'm just concentrating on not coming.
Ok, he says. I was just worried because you seemed to be staring hard at the wardrobe. Shall we have a rest? I need to go for a wee.
When he comes back I say, I want to connect with you. I just want us to make love and be together. I want to reassure him and even though it feels so complicated and difficult it's only the truth.
I think, what's going on? Does he want this? Do I? I don't want to give Virgil the satisfaction of making me come with his mouth and hands. I don't want that kind of gratification. I want to know the feeling of his erection brushing the tops of my thighs and all around the outside of my cunt. I experience a moment of pure annoyance that after three years he doesn't want to stop using condoms and won't grant me that experience.
Then he puts on a condom and slips into me. After my earlier efforts not to come I realise that I am actually very close. I press my knees against the mattress and push up against him, muttering about how good it feels. He moves inside me and I think about the second time I ever had sex. It was with Jos when I was 17. A strong visual memory of Jos's thin hairy brown calves comes unbidden. I remember his premature ejaculation which left me painfully high and dry but too shy to ask for help.
I have a moment of wondering whether the same thing's going to happen now more than twenty years later but with relief I feel my orgasm rolling up in my belly and I am able to tell Virgil I'm going to come now and several intensely satisfying seconds later he's coming too and we breathe and make noises together in each other's arms and rest.
I say, Call me old fashioned but I love it when you come inside me like that. He smiles. I say, You can give me a pearl necklace tomorrow if you like, and he says, I'm not giving you any jewellery and don't you have to go to work very soon?