Last week, in session with Deirdre, I say: To me, love is the most important thing in the world. It's the only thing that matters in the end. I believe in love and will love simply for love's sake, because it is good. This is not a sentiment one would expect to hear from a harlot but even at my most misanthropic and curmudgeonly it is true. I don't want to live with a closed heart, even if it means having my heart broken every day.
Harlot, you are the engineer of your own distress.
I consider my selfish, childish attitude to Virgil and how I have yet to feel one drop of compersion in relation to his solo adventures. I think I need to work on this one.
The final days of our break are here. I have to write down my boundaries and rules so that there cannot be misunderstandings, and then we are no longer on a break. I guess this means that he will contact Sarah to see if she wants to see him again, and maybe he has other people in mind. I have no one and it feels unlikely that anyone will manifest in the near future. I try not to let this bother me. I think: At least Sarah sounds like a decent, straightforward person.
The date with Brian was unfruitful and confirmed my feeling that OkCupid is a crap way to meet people. He's a very nice, interesting, likeable man and I enjoyed the conversation. If I was at all attracted to him I would arrange a play date. I think there should be a little bit of physical attraction - otherwise it's weird. I think about the email I am going to have to write to Brian declining another date.
Concurrently, Virgil and I have an enormous, ongoing disagreement about sex going on. It is too much to write about today. I am in over my head. Wasn't I supposed to be looking for a job somewhere in all this? What about my life priorities and making changes?