Tuesday, 1 May 2012

Debrief

I know that Virgil has been to see Sarah. Despite efforts to the contrary, I am unable to to put this thought out of my head for much of the evening. As the hours go past the potential for what might have occurred increases uncomfortably. When I finally get home Virgil is asleep but there is water in the bath and on the bathroom floor. Oh you absolute fucker, Virgil, I mutter. You absolute bastard. You promised me that if you had sex with someone you would come home clean, not have a bath here. Now the very first time that gets tested, right after our break, you can't stick to the agreement.

Does that sound hysterical? Maybe, yeah - it's one of my triggers. I don't want granular information about what Virgil gets up to on his dates when he has just come home. It doesn't mean that I don't want to hear about it but I like to choose my time. That said, the anger management therapy that was working so well several months ago has slipped to a scary degree as my inner harpy reasserts herself.

I storm around the flat. Then I go into the bedroom, throw the wet towel onto the bed, switch the lights on and bang around enough to wake him up.

Did you have sex with her? My voice is an octave higher than usual although I haven't shouted. What? No I didn't. Virgil blinked at me. I just had a bath. I can have a bath, can't I?

Ah. Sorry. I guess I jumped to the wrong conclusion, I say, deflated. But it has been very hard for me today, Virgil. You didn't answer my text earlier, and I have basically been wondering all afternoon about what's going to happen with you and Sarah. I was really hoping to find out tonight. How did it go? What's the situation?

I'm not sure, he said. We'll talk about this in the morning. And given the way I have just behaved there's not really anything I can say about that. We sleep.

In the morning, frustratingly, he will not be drawn. He says, well what do you want to know? I say: You know, what happened? He says, Well there was some kissing but I didn't get the feeling that it was going  to go anywhere... I say: You KNOW I didn't mean that. I want to know what the situation is with you and her. What was it like? Are you going to start dating again?

I don't know, says Virgil. I didn't ask and she didn't say. We were mostly catching up. It would have been inappropriate to raise the subject. She seeing someone new and it's going really well.

I say, What would you like to happen? He says, I'm not sure. I say, Well, there are hardly any people in my life who I can spend eight hours with, even very good friends. If Sarah spent eight hours in your company and that included taking you to her flat and kissing you, I think you stand a very good chance.

I don't think so, says Virgil non-commitally. He has a policy on not being optimistic about things he cares about.

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