Sunday, 29 July 2012

Quiet

Calm and quiet. Luz was home when I got back last night and we talked a bit, calmed the tension, promised to talk on Monday and sort things out. This morning I'm the only one up so I clean and tidy until I feel better. Virgil emails wanting to talk about shared work projects and suggesting meeting up later when he has finished his work.

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Saturday, 28 July 2012

An awful terrible day

It's a real shame but when one thing goes badly wrong other things get affected. Life leaks. There's a constant soundtrack in my head of what I need to say to Luz about the flat. I don't want to be there. Virgil is sick of hearing about it but I can't switch it off. I have started to want to sleep at his simply because I don't want to be at home.

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Wednesday, 25 July 2012

STDs and open relationships

It's not sexy but my current preoccupation is my living situation. I have also been working pretty solidly which hasn't left much time for writing. When I finish this piece of work I shall devote myself to looking for a new place.

I was supposed to have a date with Tim yesterday, finally, but the day before he postponed: his herpes had flared up, right on the end of his cock (yes, I asked). He 'would understand if I wanted nothing more to do with him', he said. Then, when I said it was fine, 'Thank you for being so cool about it.'

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Wednesday, 18 July 2012

Life soup

I can't work out why I don't want to write at the moment. Not long ago I could do little else. I think I was on some kind of trajectory and needed to describe it. At least I could describe it. Now I don't know what I'm doing and it's hard to write about. It's just messy. I'm living in a flat which has turned out to be the wrong flat and just sort of keeping my head above water somehow. Things I thought I didn't want a few months ago now feel like achievements to maintain. And I still don't know if I want them. At least I have something to be bothered about now which isn't totally about my relationship. And there's still that of course.

This evening Virgil is on a date with Sarah. Well, he's back now I think. He just sent me an email with flight options for our summer holiday. Possibly he wants me to know that he's back and thinking of me. Yesterday I texted him to say I didn't think I could see him last night as I was too upset at the thought of the seduction dinner I imagined he had planned for her. For several hours I stormed around thinking how I hoped Virgil would be impotent or prematurely ejaculate. I thought I would refuse to see him for several days as punishment. I thought I would refuse to ever sleep in the bed I used to share with him. I wanted to smash Sarah. I felt sick and tired of trying to do something that I find difficult and painful. I thought of breaking up with him.

'Yes, smash her! That slut!' roars Deirdre my therapist, laughing, when I tell her about it. Then she makes me concentrate on my own feelings rather than what I think about Virgil's behaviour and his desire to have an open relationship. I note that the feeling gives me a horrid sensation in my right kidney.

'I feel betrayed. I feel left out. I hate that I can't call or text him when he's with someone else!' I say at last.

The session ends up being a lot about my six-year-old self wanting my mum when she went into hospital one summer. There was a lot of being taken to the park by an au pair called Karin and my auntie Barbara came to look after us too. I missed my mum. When she came back there was yet another baby to look after. I buried my head in books and became precociously independent.

It's pretty early for a date to finish, I think. Virgil already told me that he didn't have a big seduction dinner planned. So what did happen and is he dating Sarah or just seeing her as a friend? I wish I understood. I surprise myself slightly: I don't feel good about Virgil being on a date but I am coping. I have even got past the malicious thoughts.

I have a seduction dinner planned, by the way. Next week at Tim's flat I'm going to be the seducée who gets cooked for and (probably) fucked. I don't know if I have the stomach for it. Is that kind of certainty sexy? Am I really up for this? But a really good fuck is something I really wouldn't mind having. And if I take a vibrator with me I might come. Alot! Having only had sex with Tim a couple of times, several years ago, I don't know what his position is on vibrators. However, he already thinks I'm a sexual freak/superwoman so he can't be that much of a prude.
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Tuesday, 17 July 2012

Time out and living arrangements

Virgil took me to the mountains in France. We had a lovely time swimming, walking and eating good French food. Virgil drove us around the narrow mountain roads. I swallowed my car sickness and tried not to get too annoyed by his terrible driving (he hadn't wanted to share it). 'You are the worst backseat driver ever. I don't want your advice, ok?' he says finally, shortly before smashing the passenger-side wing mirror.

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Tuesday, 10 July 2012

Moved

I've moved house which is why I haven't been writing. No one writes when they're moving house. It's impossible. When I had to leave Virgil's in exile I couldn't do much more than write. All those thoughts and feelings. Now I'm busy home-making although I still cry a great deal. Standing on the train platform in tears the other day, I thought: 'If anyone asks me, I'll say I'm crying for Andy Murray.'

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Monday, 2 July 2012

Fragments

I wear a red dress and blue tights. A month ago this would have been unthinkable. Virgil is happy to see my spirits brighten. We plan holidays together and squabble over joint projects. I threaten to leave but sit back down again.

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Sunday, 1 July 2012

New flatmate

I go to meet Luz at her workplace. Luz is my new potential flatmate. We have spoken on the phone but this is the first time we meet. It's her birthday and her day off but she's having a celebratory piercing or six. I am squeamish about piercings but I keep that to myself. It took me many years to have my ears done. The thought of a titanium bolt through a nipple or anywhere really makes me shiver.

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