Wednesday, 26 September 2012

Save the date

I wake to an affectionate email from Virgil asking if I remember that today is the anniversary of our first kiss. I am nonplussed. The anniversary of our first date is some weeks away and we first kissed on our second date several weeks later. I think he has accidentally brought the anniversary forward one month. 'Well it's there in my diary,' says Virgil, as though this is incontrovertible evidence. 'Which is more reliable,' I write back, 'My memory or your electronic calendar?'

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Sunday, 23 September 2012

Back

I know that I am not addicted to blogging. This is because I can leave it and walk away. (I didn't read anyone else's blog while I was away either.) I walked away on holiday with Virgil at the end of August. We came back a few weeks ago. Then we were busy with a joint project which is now out of the way. It was at least a partial success. Virgil left yesterday on a business trip. It's morning now for him, for me night. It's time to start writing again.

I have decided to give up one of the things I do for work. I spent a long time and a great deal of money training for it. I will be paying off the student loan for many years. It has taken me a long time to see it but I now understand that the only thing worse than losing seven years on this venture is the time and energy I now spend prevaricating and agonising over my lack of success at something I clearly do not want to put the effort into making... work. I'd like that part of my brain back please.

Generally, if I really want to do a thing I do it. I find the time. I find a way. Nothing will grow if you don't nurture it. I haven't been doing anything with this work not because I'm scared or lazy: I just do not want it badly enough to do what is needed to succeed. This thing is just not me - I want to find the things that I can do well and feel proud of.

I have an appointment with Deirdre tomorrow. It's a last chance to turn back before I give notice and tell my clients that I will be taking a sabbatical. When I last talked about giving up Deirdre asked if I was sure I was in a good place to be making this sort of big decision. At the time I agreed that I was not. Now I think I am. Going away really helped clear my head. 

More soon. Goodnight.
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